It’s going to be hard to undo the pain caused by saying he is no longer your son. When children say they hate their parents, they are testing how unconditional the love the parent feels for them really is. He heard back that Halloween Is My Christmas Shirt love is not unconditional and an apology isn’t going to fix that. Yes you both said things you didn’t mean, but he needed to hear back that you loved him even if he hated you and that you would always love him.
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You need to make sure he knows that now, whether he finds a purpose or not, whether he screams and yells and hates you, whether you need to set boundaries for him until he learns more, you will love him. It’s going to be so, so hard to overcome those words said in anger. Don’t worry about his purpose in life right now, worry about making sure he knows you love him.
What I have learned through all of the mistakes I have made and all of the unawareness that accompanied parenthood is that it’s more important to have a relationship with a child . To be able to strike a balance between structure, relationship, and discipline is very difficult. Each child is different, some are more frail than others. Some may have special needs that we don’t know of. What works for one child may destroy another.
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It is necessary to go beyond a child behavior to find out the feelings or hurt or pain behind that behavior. When a child says “I hate you” they are really saying I am hurt and I want you to stop that hurt. Poor guy. This dad is trying his ass off. Hang in there dad. Im 29 now and when i was that age i was the same way to my grandfather who raised me. Its just a phase. When he gets older he will appreciate you more and love you more and he’ll want to be there.
But in the mean time the kid needs space, needs to learn things on his own. Let the cub out of the den and watch him hunt on his own because he will. I use the animal reference because thats what animals do, they throw their young out and make the fend for themselves once they’re old enough. We shouldnt be any different.
I was that kid. Halloween Is My Christmas Shirt rebellious child that fought against family, school and tradition. Now as a parent I pray my son is happier in himself than I was. I’m coming from both sides and I have no advice. All I can say is as a troubled kid and a struggling parent I was always doing my best. Sounds like you are too.